Got To Say It

Whether you believe it or not, I am trying to be as diplomatic as possible when addressing religion. The reason for this is because I respect the right of the individual to believe whatever they choose. I also believe the vast majority of religious folk are peace-loving and well meaning ......if a little misguided, in my opinion.

That's all very well, believe whatever you choose, I have some beliefs others may find hard to accept. My major concern is how evil people use religion to incite hate. They want something they can't get without support. I asked myself if I was unscrupulous and wanted money or power, what would be the best way to get it. There is good old-fashioned hard work and determination ........nah, takes too much time and effort.

The quickest way would be to take it off someone else. I could do the playground bully routine and pick on the weak, stealing their lunch money. This is just small fry though and will just get me enemies. Conning the gullible out of their cash should be easy enough but again I would be hated and the pickings slim. Support of others is crucial but how can I get that. Quite simple really, all the hard work is done for me.

I could use the race card but with so much interracial breeding this is becoming more difficult. Religion!! Of course, how dumb of me. Religion has no borders. This could still be a problem though, one or two have got there before me. Maybe I could be a television evangelist and tell people to send me money because my God is a bit strapped for cash at the minute. Bah, that would never work, people just aren't that stupid .....are they? Might be easier finding some other greedy arseholes that perhaps aren't that bright - don't want them challenging my authority - and we can go around rape, pillage, and looting. Not really my style but as long as I'm lining my pockets who cares what atrocities my thugs are committing.

Religion selection is difficult. I need a popular one but again others have pretty much cornered the market. Monotheist religions can be manipulated though, their messages barely resemble what the perceived prophets of God told them to do. It is easy to manipulate and twist ancient context into a modern misinterpretation. "Do not kill, rape, or steal; love* thy neighbour / fellow man, but if he's not your neighbour or doesn't believe the same as you it don't count, fuck** 'em"

*not 'love your fellow man' in a literal sense, that is a definite no-no, you'll burn in Hell or we'll throw you off a roof or chuck rocks at you
** as above

It's not difficult to fragment a religion, it's being going on ever since religion was invented. When I first started researching religions I was actually surprised to find the monotheists all had the same God, they just kill each other over bragging rights on who he loves best - or so it appears to me at least.

If I had to pick a religion it would probably be Buddhism but you can't kill anyone and where's the fun in that. Really I worship the very first God, well Goddess actually. The earliest known example of religious or idolatry 'worship' pre-dates even Adam and Eve. It also reinforces my belief Eve was first but that's for another post. This example is of course the 'Venus of Willendorf' as shown in the image. It was carved from limestone some 25,000 years ago. Nor was this unique. many such figurines have been found dating from the Paleolithic period.

It appears our ancestors worshipped the miracle of the creation of life and it pretty much became a trend. Of course we evolved from mere troglodytes living in peaceful communities, and then started killing each other. Hmm, maybe this is a religion I could adopt. Let me think, a natural religion worshipping the elements themselves rather than the control of them by some other force. It could work with some careful presentation, it was after all the first true form of religion after the misogynists quickly subjugated the women. Couldn't have them making decisions, they didn't know how to drink, fight, or fart.

Looking at other early attempts at forming some religious structure, the Babylonians' great Marduk and his predecessors seemed to like war, slavery and human sacrifice. Of course the Babylonians didn't like it, Marduk forbid. It was just the great earthquake God destroyed a temple and they weren't sure how they pissed him off. I can imagine the High Priest shrugging as he addressed the king.
"We tried offering gold, fatted calves and stuff but it didn't help so we lopped a few virgins' heads off, shit this guy is hard to please"

No I think I should move forward a little, I mean, who would put up with a religion that run around randomly slaughtering innocents and chopping heads off. It just couldn't happen in these civilised times. The ancient Greeks had a better handle on this polytheism but it might be hard to start my religion based on their practices. Their novel method of contraception gave them a lot of bad press although it seems to be making a comeback these days. Anyway too many Gods are a pain in the arse, how can we obey one without pissing another off, there's bound to be a conflict of interest somewhere.

That's probably why the Jews decided to listen to just one bloke and make him responsible for everything. It was fine for a long time but the bloody Romans came and brought their materialistic ways with them. I don't think I'd be able to branch out from Judaism somehow, I mean how could I sell it. Anyway Judaism only takes the first five books of the bible and then stopped listening after they killed Jesus ........once again, the way I see it. Then there is this habit of getting a bit chopped off your dick before you even know how long it's going to be. It might have been okay to prevent disease in lands where water and bathing is difficult but 'that was then, this is now' to quote a great 'man' who got nailed to a tree.

Then of course there is bacon, can't forget bacon. The reason behind this 'unclean' meat the way I see it - through my pragmatism tinted glasses - is that we humans are omnivores. Our teeth show us that. One thing we mustn't do though is eat carnivores, We shouldn't eat cats or dogs and the like, cows, sheep and the odd horse here and there (mostly in supermarket lasagnes). The pig of course is also an omnivore which makes it a bit of a grey area. Perhaps we should just eat it on certain days. Whatever, I don't see it as being a contentious religious point.

Judaism kept the 'eye for an eye' bit which could be handy but overall it's not for me and for a couple of reasons similar to those above, nor is Islam. Although they have the same boss as Judaism there was a bit of a split at the time of Abraham. You see Islam recognises Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses and Jesus as prophets or 'special' people, just as do Judaism and Christianity. It would be easy to be confused as to why three monotheist religions all with the same boss are killing each other, easy if you didn't know the truth.

The truth of course is nothing to do with representation of any God just gaining support in order to control territory, resources, and ultimately wealth. Exactly what I'm considering here but shh! So back to the issue in hand. Can I form a offshoot religion from Islam? The way Muslims split from the groups was attributed to God promising Abraham's heir land. Abraham had two sons. The first was Ishmael to an Egyptian servant girl, the second to his wife was Isaac, whom God famously asked Abraham to sacrifice before saying "Lol, just joking". This is why the Jews and Palestinians are perpetuating a 4,000 year old dispute that has always been the scene of hostility. Yeah, kind of weird how such a sacred place causes so much death and destruction. I think they should just toss a coin after all this time.

Islam is split, mainly into two groups, Sunni's and Shia's, but there are many other smaller spin-offs. The problem came when Mohammed died and in-house fighting broke out over a successor. Unfortunately for the Muslim world he never had any sons and the vote was split between two factions. On the one hand there was Abu Bakr, the chief advisor and father-in-law to Mohammed (Sunni). In the other corner there was the cousin Ali (Shia) who married one of Mohammed's daughters. Apparently Mohammed chose Ali as successor but the Muslim community voted for Abu Bakr, it's all a little shady and they have been fighting each other ever since.

Perhaps I should start a Christian spin-off instead. I was brought up Roman Catholic as were all of us that weren't pagans prior to the reign of a fat lecherous king with a penchant for beheading. Was is it with this decapitation lark, it must be pretty messy, people are sick. Anyway, yeah Henry VIII split us from the Catholic church because he wasn't allowed to get divorced and the Christian God didn't like polygamy. The big thing then became Catholic Ireland and the English Protestants in the North. Again religion was used but it was politics really.

It shows me that Christians aren't really Christian these days. In America they like guns and hate, I always saw Christians as sort of religious hippies. Hard to picture Jesus with an AR-15 somehow. The bullshit evangelists asking for money on television and their trigger-happy counterparts have ruined it really. If I started a Christian type religion to try and extort wealth and gain power, I'll end up a cult like the Moonies, or Westboro Baptists, or some other weirdos.

Hmm, this might be harder than I thought, I could use an advertising banner....

Well it's a start, just send your cheques, gold, or other valuables you should feel ashamed having and I promise I will find a way to dispose of them for you. May Poseidon moisten your loins.