Real Hero? Nah!

What is a hero? A coward that hadn't thought things through? A person who puts their life on the line to help others? For me it is a grey area. On two occasions I did what could be termed 'heroic' deeds but on analysis they were just the results of programming (training) and a reckless impulsiveness..... 

The crew were yet to show any cracks as the ship sailed through the Red Sea. A brief stop at Jeddah for bunkers was a welcome diversion from the routine. Paint, paint, paint! It was a waste of time, the ship was only held together with rust. The Persian Gulf was never a popular choice of destination for seamen but Joel didn't mind it. Okay on his last visit he seriously misjudged the weather and was shot at but otherwise it was quite boring.

His last visit had been on a super-tanker though. Going to the Gulf on a bulk carrier was to prove a lot different. For now Joel was blissfully ignorant. The sky blue waters of the Red Sea became a darker blue as the ship rounded the Arabian Peninsula into the Arabian Sea. It was as the ship neared the entrance to the Persian Gulf the fortunes changed.

The day had been like any other. The current from the Indian Ocean caused dwells but the 50,000 ton ship cut through the waves with ease. It was Friday and the seamen not on watch had two days to enjoy the weather. The 1st Mate had tried to get volunteers for overtime but was told where to go in no uncertain terms. Everybody knew (thought they knew) their time left on the ship was short, four ports in the Gulf then on to Singapore and home.

A party in the crew bar was organised and spirits were high. All but the watch keepers became horrendously drunk and were singing boisterously at 21:30 when there was a knock on the door. Everybody turned as the 1st Officer poked his head around the door somewhat furtively.
"I want all the deck crew out on deck immediately" he said and closed the door again.

He was just in time. A barrage of empty beer cans bounced off the door accompanied by an assortment of verbal insults. The 1st Officer must have waited outside the door because when nobody had moved after thirty seconds he opened it again.
"There's a ship on fire"

There were a lot of stories about merchant seamen being little more than animals and it was easy to see why. It took a special kind of mentality to be a seaman. When it was good it was out of this world. When it was bad it was pure hell. A couple of weeks of continuous bad weather and stormy seas, sleep deprivation, and sometimes fear, would all take their toll and it was little wonder some would go a little crazy when setting foot on terra firma. What most haters failed to mention was the high level of training required to be a seaman, something other countries are less concerned about.

The training paid off in this case. The ship's log noted that from the time the first man appeared on deck, to having a lifeboat crewed by six men headed towards the stricken ship, was one minute and forty-two seconds. Joel had been drunk as had the rest of the seamen but there was something sobering about a ship ablaze and hearts were in mouths.

In years to come Joel would oft relate the tale and 'hero' was even mentioned. Joel knew different, he wasn't a hero at all. A hero is someone who knows the dangers yet still acts in a certain way. Joel didn't have time to think. He had been trained what to do in an emergency and he was merely applying his knowledge as he had on the countless drills. It was only as the lifeboat let go from the ship Joel had time to think and it was then he assessed the situation. It didn't look good.

The ship had gotten as close as was safe. All the housing was ablaze on the other ship and it was situated where it would have been on an oil tanker. Oil tankers were of course common in the area and Joel feared the worst. If it exploded they would be engulfed in a fireball or ripped apart by metal fragments. That is if they managed to even get there.

It was slow progress through the choppy sea. A 50,000 ton ship might cut through the waves easily but a 32 foot life boat made hard work of it. The small boat pitched and rolled as it relentlessly headed towards the vessel. To be thrown out of the boat wouldn't be at all healthy in the shark-infested waters either. Then what would they find when they get there............

The progress was agonisingly slow. Lifeboats were never built for speed, more for stability and durability, something the seamen would be thankful for later on. The closer they were to the blazing ship the more apparent it became the vessel wasn't a tanker. It didn't necessarily mean it wouldn't explode but still a lot of fears were eased. Joel could see figures on the foc'sle waving frantically.

Pulling alongside, a huge cheer greeted the lifeboat and a pilot ladder was thrown over. One seaman stayed on board the lifeboat, the rest scrambled up the ladder. Joel could feel the heat on the side of his face as if standing too close to a bonfire. The ship was Turkish and none of the crew could speak English. There was a lot of gesticulating, the Turkish seamen wanting off the ship immediately. It was difficult to assess the situation .
"Deutsch sprechen, Deutsch sprechen!" one of the Turks kept repeating.
"Jah" said seeing the source of the statement.

Joel had never had to use his knowledge of the German language before other than to order a beer or food. He was rusty but with a little sign language thrown in Joel was able to gather what had happened. The fire was electrical and there was no air conditioning on the ship. As a result all the portholes were open and the fire spread causing the housing to be uninhabitable through smoke and flames after a minute and a half. It explained why the Turkish crew were all in their underwear at only 9:30pm. Two crew members never made it out of the accommodation and a third was lying on the deck. He had been on watch and lowered a rope over the bridge but the flames caught up with him and he had dropped ablaze from twenty feet onto steel.

The Turkish crew parted and the man could be seen laid out flat on the deck. Joel told the first officer the situation and they both went to look. The man looked like a huge blister and the smell of burnt flesh made Joel nauseous. He thought the man was dead but then his arm moved.
"Quick get the stretcher from the lifeboat" the officer told one of the other seamen.

Within seconds Joel wished he had been the one sent for the stretcher. The man seemed to regain consciousness and with it came pain. He let out a series of unearthly screams which went through Joel worse than chalk on a blackboard. Joel was in tears as he and the officer strapped the man into the stretcher. The straps had to be tightened but it seemed to add to the man's pain. He stopped screaming as he was being lowered into the boat, the merciful blackness from which he would never wake returned. The man died in hospital three days later.

The lifeboat was overcrowded so Joel and three others stayed behind. Joel wasn't scared anymore. The man's face was imprinted in his memory and the screams reverberated around inside his head. He felt too numb to be scared. The fire showed no signs of abating and the only means he had to get off the ship was getting smaller in the distance. Joel's own ship looked ludicrously far away. An explosion from within the burning housing had the four British seamen ducking for cover. It sounded like a gas cylinder but how many more were there, and was the explosion big enough to hole the ship?

Joel pulled out his cigarettes and handed them round.
"Anyone got a light?" Joel asked.

The seamen all looked at one another then at the housing. As though a pressure valve had been released they all began laughing heartily. To many it would seem like a sick thing to say at such a time but it was a coping mechanism and the seamen were glad of it, the grim reality was too hard to bear.

Horizons

We have always held to the hope, the belief, the conviction that there is a better life, a better world, beyond the horizon - Franklin D. Roosevelt

In my time at sea, I spent many an hour on lookout watching horizons. Staring dreamily, I would let my mind wander and there were moments when the horizon seemed to expand. It was almost as though I had an aura emanating from my body mingling, combining, intertwining..... harmonising, with all the eye can see. Scale was lost as I became the sky and the sky me. It was an odd but reassuring feeling, one of belonging, significance, almost importance. I, little ole me, was part of this magnificent machination. My pneuma roamed free and I no longer felt alone. How could I feel lonely when I was part of this?

This was particularly true at night when darkness filtered out unnecessary visual distractions and put emphasis on celestial bodies dotted around the sky. The onset of night was a treat in itself, never are night and day so beautiful as when they meet to hand over the reins, they compliment each other. I have watched the sun rise from the top of a mountain, A six hour drive, a two hour trek, and a four hour climb in darkness, for a few seconds of pure liquid gold as the sun rewarded my efforts and signalled a new day. Dawn on a mountain is special but for dusk I preferred an open ocean.

Sunsets anywhere can be awe-inspiring but I was more fascinated with a somewhat less spectacular phenomenon I've only seen at sea. It was a small green flash as the sun dipped below the horizon. A goodnight wink from the sun as twilight finally succumbed to darkness.

We steamed through the nights, unerringly heading for the elusive horizon, like a donkey chasing a carrot on a stick. It never occurred to me back then the horizon was unattainable, just something we followed to get to a destination. The horizon isn't a constant, it is like a rainbow's end. You can never get there. Instead of chasing the pot of gold we should concentrate more on the journey, that alone determines who we are. On many a dark stormy night with thick black clouds blocking the celestial beacons, the horizon was invisible. It was then a case of lowering sights and concentrating on maintaining direction.

Stormy nights could be disconcerting but thick fog was eerie. Sound and depth of vision are mysterious as they chop and change in a heartbeat. Every sense is alive, alert to danger. The hairs on your neck stand on end as your eyes become almost useless and you strain every other sensory organ to compensate.

You can't see an end to the fog and start to believe it will be with you always. Then without warning it lifts, clarity ensues, and your horizons broaden once more.

Fix You

Since my diagnosis I have researched autism because my only 'knowledge' of autism came from two films, Rain Man (1988) and Mercury Rising (1998). Although the films did give an insight into some of the difficulties of those with autism, it was just a keyhole view. My doubts about my own autism stem from the fact I found out autism is genetic, meaning someone in my family had it before me. Then I realised it is actually quite possible.

My mother had some 'eccentric' ways. She told me quite openly that as a baby I rarely cried and it must have felt to her like she was missing out on nurturing. Consequently she used to pinch me to make me cry, just so she could nurse and soothe me (small wonder I'm so bloody confused). Her father, my grandfather, spent his last years in an asylum but it was generally attributed to his experiences as a POW during WWII. These peculiarities might indicate a genetic anomaly but nothing is concrete.

When I was a kid conditions like ADHD, ADD, Asperger's and indeed ASD and TBI were unknown. PTSD was simply known as 'shell-shock' (or cowardice if you went back even further). Nowadays it seems that every man and his dog has some kind of disorder. Back in the day our parents tried to beat the behavioural problems out of us, thankfully those days are long gone but I do wonder if we have gone from one extreme to the other.

It would be wrong to blame the health service, education or even parents for failing my ilk because of the lack of knowledge on such things and kids of my time were 'to be seen and not heard'. We were simply not allowed to be weak or complain. When I left school I stopped going to see specialists whom I felt did nothing. I was only seeing an Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist who was more concerned with my headaches, tinnitus and impaired hearing than any behavioural problems.

As a result I slipped through the net simply because I refused to accept I was damaged. My childhood was spent in self-inflicted isolation due to an inability to express my feelings in a manner others didn't find strange. The few friends I had called me crazy and I thought they were joking although I knew I was 'eccentric' and my thought process was different to theirs, but I didn't feel crazy. I tried ti hide my condition in a futile attempt to 'fit in' and became quite good at it. Most people I met never knew about the problems I faced on a daily basis.

However with my advancing years and David Cameron lying through his teeth about the government addressing mental health issues, I believed it was time to do things properly. There was a huge campaign to remove the stigma associated with such conditions but it didn't work. In my experience, coming out about my condition was the worst thing. I hadn't slept properly for decades unless in a stupour and thought somewhat foolishly I could be cured of the headaches, the tinnitus, the nightmares and ultimately the loneliness.

The movies I mentioned above did little to indicate how an autistic person thought or felt. In my ignorance I was left with the impression the characters were damaged individuals with little coherent thought - and some quite extraordinary abilities. This is simply not true. I drew comparisons with my own condition and began to understand, and it made me wonder if others were as ignorant as me.

I now see autism as a kind of protective shell and inside is a person with feelings and emotions just the same as anyone else. Because they cannot communicate properly doesn't mean they cannot think or that they lack awareness. I really do not know enough to be able to comment with authority on the matter, I'm simply giving my experience of the disorder. 

More needs to be done to raise awareness about Autism and the other conditions mentioned here. People need to be educated and the government needs to fulfil its promises. Maybe then humanity can regain a little compassion and we can move forward as a species.

Think Positive

Superstitions in general are just a matter of common sense. For instance it makes sense you shouldn't walk under a ladder - there's the chance someone working up the ladder could drop something on your head. Opening an umbrella in the house is bad luck not least because of the chances of poking someone in the eye or knocking things over.

Other superstitions can be irrational and nonsensical. Among these are ones that involve various animal body parts. The Japanese believe if you carry a piece of snake skin in your wallet you will become rich or find money. A rabbits foot is carried for luck and finding a horseshoe is lucky. The snake, rabbit and horse couldn't really be termed lucky though.

Whistling is much maligned in different superstitions. Once associated with a happy person, it is also a tendency of the nervous. An English superstition is where women are discouraged from whistling 'a whistling woman never marries'. At sea it was considered bad luck because you in effect 'whistled up the wind' and the advent of a storm. In Japan it is believed whistling summons the spirits of the dead. In Russia and Kazakhstan bad luck surrounds whistling but just in the home. In Russia they believe it frightens away the guardian angels who protect your home whilst in Kazakhstan they never whistle inside a house for fear of bringing poverty to the owner.

Another one that particularly irks me is triskaidekaphobia or more precisely paraskevidekatriaphobia (fear of Friday 13th) . Having been borne on Friday the 13th I can't see the problem - it never did me any harm. Actually it is quite strange in my case because I have always been lucky in an unlucky way. I do seem to get into bizarre situations which normal people don't, but in the main I come out of them relatively unscathed.

The origins of this superstition are hazy.

On Friday 13 October 1307, the Knights Templar were ordered to be arrested by Philip IV of France. The theory has been suggested, in the book Born in Blood: The Lost Secrets of Freemasonry by John J. Robinson, that the Templars went underground among masons in England and later developed into Freemasons. Because most of the founding fathers of the United States of America were Freemasons, it is possible the memory of the terror of that day is preserved in the Friday the 13th.

Then of course there are the usual references to the Last Supper with there being 13 in attendance on a Friday but it isn't just a Christian thing.

Ancient Persians believed the twelve constellations in the Zodiac controlled the months of the year, and each ruled the earth for a thousand years at the end of which the sky and earth collapsed in chaos. Therefore, the number is identified with chaos and the reason Persians leave their houses to avoid bad luck on the thirteenth day of the Persian Calendar, a tradition called Sizdah Bedar.

Triskaidekaphobia may have also affected the Vikings—it is believed that Loki in the Norse pantheon was the 13th god -- more specifically, Loki was believed to have engineered the murder of Balder, and was the 13th guest to arrive at the funeral. This is perhaps related to the superstition that if 13 people gather, one of them will die in the following year.

According to the dictionary, Superstition is an irrational belief arising from ignorance or fear.

I can agree with that but I also believe that superstitions (good or bad) can work in much the same way as a placebo. If you find a four leaf clover and think you are going to be lucky, chances are you will be. Not because of the four leaf clover but because of the positive energy you project.

Conversely if you think you will be unlucky when say a black cat crosses your path, then that will likely be the case as well. This is simply because of the negativity you project.

However, the system is fallible because no matter how positive / negative you may be, the reverse can happen. However, in the majority of cases projecting positive or negative energy will produce positive or negative results. Time to think positive and get lucky!